Another Episode of "A Day in the Life of..."

After prolonging the inevitable for as long as possible, this morning I finally broke down and made the much-needed pilgrimage to buy groceries.

pil⋅grim⋅age [pil-gruh-mij] -noun- any long journey, esp. one undertaken as a quest or for a votive purpose, as to pay homage.

Considering the amount of preparation involved and the demands on my time and sanity, I would consider this venture second only to my weekly church attendance. I spent the two days prior creating menus and lists, wracking my brain for the elusive item that would, in the end, be forgotten (light bulbs). At first light the children were shod, bundled up against the cats and dogs raining down outside, and packed into the mother ship. My enormous diaper bag was bursting at the seams and my lists were in hand. I was on my way by 9:30am - what a triumph!

Our first destination was Walmart, i.e. my favorite place in the whole world. Right. We cleaned them out, then headed over to Costco, because what kind of a masochistic person would I be if I did not combine the two trips into a full-out grocery marathon. It's just the way I am.

If my list for Walmart was long, my Costco list was a novel. By the time I'd checked off diapers (the most painful $40 I spend every month), toilet paper, and 8 gallons of milk, I knew I was in trouble, being single and all. Single shopping cart that is.

You've been to Costco. You know.

I need an assistant. One who will push a second cart in the store, hand me wipes during diaper changes, and massage my shoulders. But assistants are for executives and presidents, not for mothers. Mothers have invisible extra appendages that make anything possible. I can pack a Costco-sized shopping cart until it is heaping and so heavy it nearly requires a team of oxen. The eyes on the nice man at the register bulged a little when he saw me pull up. I'm sure he was thinking how fortunate he was that I picked his lane.

I arrived at the register with 1 cart loaded with all of my groceries and 2 of my offspring, and left with 2 full carts, 3 children, and a Costco employee.

Lovely.

Oh, and the assistant would also be handy for unloading groceries, putting them away, and did I mention massaging my shoulders? after such grocery expeditions. All in favor, say "aye."