Time Out: This is Just Me Trying to Get Real

I am a chronic idealist.  That title should not be confused with optimist.  While an optimist considers a glass to be half-full, an idealist laments, “If only the glass were filled to the brim!”  An idealist cannot accept less than the highest potential in everything.  While this may seem an optimistic perspective, it is an unrealistic and demanding one.  An idealist is never satisfied.  An idealist is also a zealous perfectionist.

I have been on a journey for a while now that has been teaching me a lot about myself and helping me to see who I really want to be. One of the greatest things I am learning (learning, not learned, as this is a constant process) is that I have many weaknesses. As a self-proclaimed idealist this should be no surprise to me, and it isn’t. I have long felt the crushing weight of my imperfections and the long list of things I should be doing and becoming. I have always relied on my own strength and abilities to overcome my many weaknesses. I have been prideful in assuming I was strong enough to do so, that I had the ability to toil and labor and eventually overcome every imperfection. I held myself to the highest standards and never found satisfaction in my efforts.  I was devastated when more recent outside forces and trials removed what I perceived to be my strength and stability and I began to loathe myself and lose hope because of my many shortcomings.

However, I have not just been learning about my weaknesses, I have been learning about my weakness. I have been learning that God gives us weakness that we may be humble, and awakens in us a sense of our nothingness that we may recognize that He has all power. He humbles us that we may call upon Him and submit to Him completely.  I am learning that by submitting my will to God and repenting of my sins, that He will make my weak things become strong, even taking away my stumbling blocks (see Ether 12:27, Jacob 4:7, Mosiah 4:5-11, and 1 Ne 14:1). It is by His grace and power that I may overcome, not my own. When I rely on my own strength I am denying the Savior’s great gift and sacrifice for me.

Why am I sharing this here, on my blog that I have dedicated mainly as a chronicle of our family?  I recently read this and it has really stayed with me:

“One of the worst things the Saints can do for each other is to appear to be too perfect – that by refusing to admit our struggles and maintaining instead the appearance of perfection, we sow seeds of discouragement.”

I have been very guilty of this. I have spent years putting on my best face for the world to see. I have gone to church in my “Sunday Best:” cheerful ‘hello,’ carefully chosen dress and shoes, meticulously styled hair and makeup, well-dressed and groomed children, and my serving-with-a-smile badge, all for the sake of appearance. I’ve long kept my fingers crossed that no one could see through my efforts and find the terrible flaws beneath: that I am very impatient and yell at my kids a lot, that I am selfish with my time, and that my spiritual habits are severely lacking (etc, etc, etc, and etc). Granted, for many years this façade was not intentional or malicious, but merely a result of pride and a lack of spiritual maturity. But I want to repent of this now.

My hope is that when others look at me they see me for who I am, the good along with the bad.  Of course I hope the person they see is someone who is humbly striving to be righteous, not because I want to be concerned with what others think of me (though it’s SO hard for me not to care what others think!) but because I’m actually striving to be good. What I also hope is that they see that I am imperfect as are we all.  I hope my updated blog description (on the right) reflects more of who I really want to be, taking it from the idealist approach to simply an unpretentiously optimistic one.

So as you read of our adventures here, know that beyond the pictures, craziness, and fun there is day-to-day drudgery, tears, anger, mistakes, and struggle. I won’t necessarily post details of all our “trials and tribulations” because they are personal, but I hope this blog will be a lighthearted but real representation of who we are!